NIEN!!!! (That's German for "No", they're a loud, expressive people)
Since my return to NY, I've enjoyed a lot of personal career success, reconnected with my parents, brother, nieces, family and best friends. In short, I'm home. But, having once again, no experience in the whole divorce ebbs and flows, I find myself in something that has been hastily labeled a "Divorce Hangover".
Now, you're most likely thinking to yourself: "Self, a hangover is never a good thing." Well, you're correct, it's not! Most of us have imbibed way to much alcohol at one point in our lives, and we've all regretted it, to vary degrees, the following morning. We vow to never drink again, as we stagger, slowly about our domiciles, cursing past selves and whatever our poison of choice was, the previous evening.
Ok, so what is a D.H.? Again, I'm using initials to save time, because, it's nice out and I'd like to get my ass in the water. What is it exactly? Well, in layman's terms, it's a range of emotions that you experience, typically anger, over time, after your divorce. Unfortunately, it comes from not being able to properly focus your anger and displace it on to someone else, or simply move on and; as Elsa sings "Let it Goooooooo!"
So, I got home from that God awful state that shall not be named, and started to re-establish my life in NY. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's had all passed and yet, one, creeping emotion was still lingering within me. Sadness. At least, I thought it was sadness.
It turns out, I've realized that I'm still angry. Like Mark Ruffalo, aka Bruce Banner, aka the Hulk in "The Avengers", "I'm always angry". That line always stuck with me. The idea of the Hulk, is that he is Bruce Banner's anger realized in actual, physical form. He is pure emotion. A blind destructive force that once subsides, has left a path of physical destruction in its wake. The key to Bruce Banner isn't that he reaches a boiling point of anger, the key is, he has this constant anger, below the surface, that he can tap to transform into the Hulk. He doesn't need external provocation. He simply IS angry.
For me, it's not simply outright, aggressive, over the top anger. It's deeper and more complex. My anger is a result of all of the loss, sadness, hopelessness, despair, and yes, overt anger that I experienced over a year and a half ago.
Sure, I'm content with my life, I look forward to what's next in life, I'm grateful for the opportunities and love I've received. I'm still able to live my life on an everyday basis. But, still this level of anger sits and waits. It looks to express itself at unnecessary times, hurting those I care for, and those who have become a footnote in my life. I say mean, intentionally hurtful things, in some weird attempt to satiate my anger and make myself feel better. And, as a result, creating emotional, collateral damage. This has not always been me, and it's concerning.
I believe with a combination of complete acceptance, therapy, time, and simply moving on, will ultimately put me in an even better place. At 35, I realize that there is always room for improvement, and I've got personal goals to achieve. In the end, all I really want or have ever wanted is inner peace, love, happiness and one day, a family.
|This about sums it up...|